2/7/12

Revenge of the Invisi-Spray

Pw'ownage.

Invisi Spray is for all of your hygienic problems that you JUST CAN'T GET RID OF. Like that hair on your leg you miss while shaving. Or that big ugly zit on your cheek that you don't have time to kill. It also has mischievous functions too- sleep with one eye open, get back at that bully or your older sister, lots of things. Works 100% better than the top leading brand, but has too many side effects to name. :)

Everyone, I have decided that it is time to stop hiding this. I bring to you- THE NAMELESS STORY.

And in case anyone is wondering for my ~ahem~ birthday and the upcoming holiday, I have a terrible weakness to Hershey's chocolate.

Read on.

The ground is stable beneath my strange, gnarled-looking feet. I curse them. Though my extra toes help me keep my grip on the ever-changing cliff face, the other wolves tease me about them.
Among other things, that is.
I’m always the last one to eat, the last one in line, and worst of all, the last in the cave. It’s terrible. I’ve spent whole nights in the rain or under a large forest leaf, and once or twice, covered in snow.
This is because I am so different. I’m already twelve moons old, but I’ve stopped growing. I have never been the same size as any of the other wolves. They’re at least twice as large as I am, and that’s not even counting full adults. I have six toes. I walk funny, I’m not grey, I have a fluffy butt- oh, excuse me. The point is that I’m not really a wolf. I know it. I just can’t be.When I bring it up, the others just glance nervously around and tell me, “Sharama, don’t be silly. Of course you’re a wolf. Your growth is just... stunted,” or “Sharama, you’re a wolf, like it or not. You just have mutated feet” or “BAHAHAHAHA, Sharama, of COURSE you’re a wolf, you’re just mutated beyond recognition!”
That last example was courtesy of my supposed brother, Merlin. He’s messed up in the head.
Yes, Merlin, I know you just heard that, you were SUPPOSED to. Idiot.
Well, anyways, I’m out on the cliff shore on our pack’s territory. There’s one advantage to my strange limbs; I’m the only one who can go to get anything worthwhile. Normally I just snack on my own cliffbird when I don’t get enough to eat, but this time I’m getting as many as I can. Merlin was the only one who’d agree to come and spot me. (Idiot brother; he’s digging for clams...) The pack hasn’t been getting many kills; I figure if I make some use of myself I’ll actually get to sleep in the den tonight. It’s gonna get cold really fast today, and I do NOT want to get caught outside in snow again.
The scent of the rotten seabirds drifted past my nose. I quietly padded over and peered over a rock.
“You seen that big cloud?”
“Yeah. It’s big.”
“I hope it doesn’t puke on us tonight.”
“Me too. If it does, we’re doomed.”
They were conversing about the little white cloud floating about in the distance. It looked harmless. I rolled my eyes and padded behind a closer rock. The stupid things paid no heed. I smirked as they continued their conversation and decided to see where it went for a bit before I killed them.

“I heard that there’s a woff pack down the cliff.”
“That’s why we’re up here. They can’t climb up here.”
“But that’s how Clonk died, remember? He got taken by a pup with extra toes.” They paused for a bit.
“I want another toe.”

“Me, too. It’d be so useful. Just think of the things we could accomplish...”
I trotted over to them and sat down next to them. They looked at my feet and gasped. For a second, I thought I was going to have to chase after them. But they just stared for a minute.
“Dude, she’s got extra toes! No fair, bro!”
“Can we have one?” the smaller one asked. I sighed.
“No, I’m afraid I need my toes. That’s how I got up here, you see. We’re all flightless, remember?” I smiled mischievously. They were entranced by my toes.
“Yeah... I guess that’s fair. You think the cloud is gonna puke on us tonight?” the big one queried.
The gears turned inside my canine mind. I smiled kindly at the puffins, then said “Why don’t you come with me? Where I live, there’s no chance of getting puked on by clouds!”
They thought about that for a second.
“You mean that you don’t get puked on by clouds? Ever? That must be fun.”
I frowned again. Didn’t see that one coming. “Well... not never, but there’s more shelter than up here.” I scanned the plateau with the puffins swarmed on it. It stank. I guess that they can’t smell it because of their beaks, but I could be wrong.

The small one frowned. “Oh. Thud, she lied.”
This was not going well, I decided. I flattened my ears and braced for what was going to happen.

“Yes, Bonk, she did... but at least she admitted it. And she said that there’s more shelter.”
I smiled again. “Yes! Yes, there’s more shelter. And there’s food, and water, and swimming, and--”
“WAIT!! Thud, the woffs! THE WOFFS!!!” Bonk screeched.

The whole throng of puffins’ heads turned, and Thud raised his flippers. “He didn’t mean it, everyone. He’s REFERRING to the woffs. Not directly.”
A confused hum rose up, but the puffins turned away, obviously not noticing me. I sighed with relief. A third puffin waddled over to us. I smiled again, pleased with myself.

“Hey Thud, Bonk, who’s this?”
“Yo, Clobber, what’s up? We’re not sure, but she says that there’s somewhere else that’s more sheltered! We won’t get cloudpuked on as much!”
Bonk had panic in his eyes. He was staring at me with wide eyes. His mouth was quivering. I flicked my ears back and prayed to the Heavenly One that he wouldn’t scream and ruin my hunting efforts.
“W-W-w-w-” Bonk started stuttering.
I looked around. Thud and Clobber were talking together. Bonk was standing there stupidly. There weren’t any puffins looking. I stretched out my neck and whispered to Bonk, “Shhh.”
He stared at me still with is wide eyes, then opened his beak and started to screech. He only managed to get “WO-” out before I clamped my jaws down around his beak. The other puffins looked at us strangely. This was really weird.
“Bonk? I didn’t know this was your girlfriend!”
Bonk just stood there trying to say something. When Thud and Clobber looked away I let go and kicked him behind me. He tumbled down the well-worn cliff path.
Then Clobber stared at me. Oh, great, I thought. He saw me.
“Hey, uh, Thud, why is there a Woff pup here?”
“There’s a Woff pup here?? EVERYONE RUN THERE’S A WOFF!!! QUICKLY NOW, INTO THE TUNNELS!! INTO THE TUNNELS!! NOW NOW NOW NOW!!”
Everything turned into a frenzy. I shook my head in disgust at what I had done and chased after a straggler. It looked at me, squawked and tripped as I chomped down on it and started to run the other way.
I hit the path running, forgetting that this was something I had taught myself never to do. There was a steep drop-off at the end of the hill, and even though it ended on the beach the fall still hurt. I slowed my run and skidded around the curve. The beach was in sight. I could hear the water and I heard Merlin’s frenzied barking at the bottom. I wondered what was up.
Then I heard the human voice. I froze and skidded to a stop just on the edge of a small cliff. There was a human down at the bottom of the hill, and it was pointing a sharpstick at Merlin. Bonk lay moaning pitifully behind the human. Merlin was cornered between three rocks. Without thinking, I barked angrily, dropping the old puffin in the process. The agitated human turned around. Merlin dashed out and with his tail tucked between his legs, dashed into the forest. I flicked my ears back, but stood my ground. The human dropped his spear. I growled warily. He was checking out my stupid feet out (and probably laughing, too)
Then he took a step closer to me. I growled again, and my hackles stood up on end. My teeth were bared, bu the moron didn’t care one bit. He took a brown vine off of his waist and tied a knot in it. I had no clue what he was doing, but I took a dash for one of the puffins. Something wrapped around my neck and choked me, and I was pulled backwards.
The human had the brown vine around my neck.
Merlin, you idiot, where did you go?? I thought. He abandoned me! How dare he!

I thrashed as the human worm pulled me even closer to him, and snapped at his leg. The human’s arm wrapped around my neck and the brown vine vanished. I writhed even more but to no avail. The human  picked me up and started walking down the humanpath with me.
I kicked and barked, and finally, wrenched free of his grasp. He yelled something, but I was too busy fleeing for my life to hear him. I scrambled through the thick brush and tore up the space of dirt. I didn’t realize that there was something in front of me- I blew over it and fell on my face.
Almost immediately, a shrill, squeaky voice tore up my eardrums. It wasn’t happy.

“WHY DON’T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, CLUMSY WOLF? Geez, you NEVER bother to even look ahead of you!” The large bug looked up, folded its arms and glared right into my eyes. It was purple and it glowed. I assumed that it was a Giant Rainbow beetle.
“Since you’re here, and you have so inconveniently run me over, you’ll give me a ride to where I am going, right? Sounds good.”

The beetle jumped onto my snout. I sneezed and shook it off. The purple beetle was almost as big as my head! I didn’t want this monstrosity on my back, much less on my nose.
“Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! We had a deal, there!” The beetle got up and dusted its shimmering armour off.
“Beg your pardon, beetle,” I spat. “We had no such deal. I never agreed to carry VERMIN on my back.”
“Excuse me? You think I’m vermin? Bah, I am not vermin. I am far from it, as a matter of fact. I am the servant of the Mountain King. I need you to carry me to his place PRONTO. If I’m late, the safety of all Aikenew is at stake here. That’s why this isn’t a request- it’s a demand.”

I gaped at the glowbeetle. It grabbed my jaw and closed it for me. (I guess I looked kind of stupid with it open like that.) Then it jumped on my nose again, and slid down my fluffy neck to my back and gripped its itchy claws to my hide. I winced.
“Well, wolf, are you in? It’s your pride or Aikenew, your choice.”
I sighed. I couldn’t let the world be destroyed by the wrath of the Mountain King, now could I? “Lead on...” I groaned.
“Great! I knew you’d agree. Onward, ho!” The beetle pulled a short twig out from under his wing and pointed it dramatically in the direction of the mountain. “I’m Mug, by the way.”
“Pleased.” I plodded onward, expressing my displeasure toward being treated like a blasted mule.
The beetle obviously didn’t notice, though. He was busy directing me in random directions. If I didn’t follow, he would poke me with the twig. It sounds so terribly wussy, but that thing was sharp.
After about an hour of aimless wandering I sat down by a small pool of water and started to drink out of it. Mug jumped off my back and stood on my snout again.
“Excuse me? Who said you could stop? Remember, the safety of Aiken? Mountain King? HELLOOOOO?” Mug was not pleased. I put my paw up in front of his ugly buggy face. They were about the same size.
“Mug, we aren’t going anywhere,” I finally whined after I had drank my fill.
“No, we certainly aren’t, and especially not with you sitting here and drinking like we have all the time in the world!”
“No, dude, I mean, we aren’t doing anything productive. We haven’t been going the right way. The mountain is actually farther away now.”
Mug turned and faced the mountain. “....Oh.”

He turned back towards me and looked at me again. “So you’re right. No matter; let’s get going again.”
I rolled my eyes. Rainbow Beetles were stuck up, but the one thing they never bragged about was their color. If they did, their marvelous color would fade to a hideous brown color. I’d made it happen before- yes, made. I made them brag about it. I’m quite manipulative when I want to be.

I picked the ugly (not-so) little beetle up and tossed him onto my back. For a minute, I thought that this actually felt kind of natural- having a gigantic beetle riding my back. But I threw that thought aside, because seriously-- how is that normal?
As I padded along through the underbrush towards the mountain, Mug started to mutter under his breath. I pricked up my ears to listen.
“...but what if this... not right one? Kingy isn’t going to be..... at all... if she... right... no... says... name Sharama...”

After hearing my name, I couldn’t resist. I didn’t remember ever telling it to him.
“What about me?” I inquired. Mug jumped like I was charged with electricity.

“Aah- uh-- nothing! Nothing at all!” The beetle giggled nervously and I flattened my ears. I ignored it, then looked up at the sky. The sun was just starting to get low. I started up on a brisk trot toward the Mountain King’s giant hill. Mug was silent for the most part. We were lucky to reach the foot of the mountain at dusk. I sprawled out on the ground. Mug didn’t yell at me this time. I smiled and fell asleep to a small shimmer off of the ugly bug’s shell in my eye.

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