That's a lie.
I'm not Invincible.
I get hurt. The physical pain I can just shake off, but the emotional pain... it lingers. It may seem odd, because I'm the super rational, super durable ENTJ, who will someday rule a small country, such as Switzerland. But all that, all the rational, super extrovert-ness, is sometimes just a mask.
An Iron mask. One that I put on when I'm hurt. When I get hurt emotionally, I don't show it, unless it's serious. And, by serious, I mean the emotional equivalent of having my eyes gouged out. This kind of emotional pain has only happened twice recently. One time.... is none of you business.
"That kid wasn't even lookin'"
That was the other recent time. When I heard those words, it felt like a hot iron stuck straight into my eyeballs.
Heres some background. I'm at youth group, (known as Nitelife) and we're playing Guerrilla Soccer. Now, I won't go into details, but let's just say that Guerrilla Soccer is the opposite of soccer. Anyhow, I was playing it, and I'm not exactly the best person at sports. As a young child, I never really got into sports, so now that I'm in Junior High, I don't really have the skills to be good at sports. Now, this doesn't mean I don't like to play games. I actually really enjoy tossing a football around, and wish that I had gotten into it earlier in my life. So, we're playing Guerrilla Soccer, and I got stuck as goaly for and LONG time. Reader, I suck at goaly. And then the heat got turned up. A bunch of kids from public school, who I had never seen before in my life decided to join the game. I let a goal in.
"That kid wasn't even lookin'"
I was already stressed out and uncomfortable at this point, but when I heard those five words, those eight syllables, I think that part of me died for a while.
I'm not Invincible.
For the rest of the night, those words were stuck in my mind. They stood at the fore front and just kept on degrading me.
For the rest of the night, those words were stuck in my mind. They stood at the fore front and just kept on degrading me.
Those words still hurt, like an infected laceration. Those word cut like a sword across my self image.
If you're around me much, you know that I have a bubbly personality. When I'm in my element, I don't have a care in the world. I can turn an awkward topic into a hilarious one.
And then the pain comes, and I put on a mask. Why?
Becuase I'm not Invincible. My mask looks like this:
It's an Iron Mask. I put this mask on when I'm hurt. It's not really a conscience decision, but it happens. And then, when I'm alone, the mask comes off and I break down. It's not a physical, bawling-my-eyes-out kind of breakdown. It's more of an emotional, I-really-need-to-think-this-over-in-a-dark-corner sort of breakdown.
I'M NOT INVINCIBLE!
Not matter what, I am weak human being who needs to rely on Jesus for everything.
I'M NOT INVINCIBLE!
Not matter what, I am weak human being who needs to rely on Jesus for everything.
Ironic. You are an ENTJ, I am an INTJ. This may seem insensitive, but you really need to get over those words. They were an offhand comment that really meant nothing. You cannot allow something as simple as that to ruin your self-esteem. I cannot say that I am a bubbly person (at all), but I do know some pretty cheerful people (though cheerful people annoy me a lot of the time), and I really do not think that you should allow their words to affect you. If they cared at all about what they were saying, then maybe you could take it to heart, but for something you are already not good at, I do not see why it should matter to you. These people should not matter to you. People who put you down should not matter to you. Yes, I know what the Bible says about loving people - I, too am Christian - but you have no reason to take their offhand remark to heart. You have plenty of people who say good things about you - why don't you listen to them instead? Thinking more on that comment is simply illogical.
ReplyDeleteDoth thou always write really in-depth comments? This was really just the cherry on top of a mound of stress and uncomfortable-ness. And, no matter if I hold onto this for a long time, those words still hurt. I know that the person didn't mean them out of malice, or even mean for me to hear them, but I did, and it hurt. A lot.
ReplyDeleteIf I feel the need to write such in-depth comments, I do indeed do so. Otherwise I generally do not comment. Yes, it hurt, you said that. People hurt people. That's that people do. It really isn't constructive to ponder on it for such a long time. That person probably forgot as soon as it was said. You ought to do the same. I know that certain comments hurt, I have been hurt plenty too, but I have found that contemplating on them just makes it worse, so forgiving and forgetting is the best route. Or at least forgiving, 'cause that generally makes it better.
ReplyDelete